The boxer, the fixer and the Tai Chi man

Now that round one of the 2007 “Thrilla in Ottawa” has been completed, it may be fun to score the contest. The problem with doing so, of course, is that even though Stevie W. Harper, Jack Be Nimble Layton and Stéphane Downtown Dion are all in the same ring, they appear not to be practicing the same martial art.

Harper seems the hungriest for a fight. It’s no surprise that he has a high degree of frustration, given that he has moved his supporters a long way from where they started when they chose him to fight for them, and he still hasn’t enough rise in the polls to show for it.

He decided that the best defence is a punching offence, and he took it to Downtown in the corner with a set of television ads that were meant to be tough blows, not all of which were above the belt. His reasoning, it seems, was that if we could see Stéphane on the mat, the picture would be enough to settle for all time “who’s the man”.

These blows were given on the week before and during the Canadian running of the Super Bowl, the yearly celebration of testosterone that defies sensible discourse. Conscious that punching hard at this time might be seen as just a bit bully-like - as playing too much to his base of “real men” when what he really needs is the support of women - Stevie apparently reported that he himself didn’t bother with the game. Yessir, that takes care of the problem of optics all right!

Most Canadians identify with the receiver of blows, not the giver. (Decima apparently has found that 38 per cent of Canadians remember seeing the ads, 58 per cent thought they were unfair, 22 per cent fair). In Canadian playground scraps, the “winner” now may later be lost.

Not that any of the right hooks did much damage. M. Dion is just not a boxing sort of guy, preferring to damage his opponents by shifting his weight away from their best shots. And he has his people to rely on for any extra protection, the first of whom revealed Mr. Harper’s 2002 attack on the science of global warning.

The extensive press coverage of this response (and of the controversy regarding the Tories’ negative ads) cost Mr. Dion not a penny. Unfortunately for him, with this round nearly won, Le Man’s tag team partner, Michael Bring it On Ignatieff, was throwing some head punches at Jack be Nimble. (Michael, we’re Canadians; we don’t do head punches, okay?)

Seeing, one might surmise, that not all was working with their strategy of working Le Man over, taking him to the mat or even keeping him in the corner, Stevie W reverted to Plan B, to the “you just didn’t get the job done, Stéphane” attack, to which the retort was: “well yeah, oh yeah, Stevie’ that’s cause you guys are in power.” (Maybe next year we should just ban February.)

Jack Be Nimble Layton busied himself jabbing then repairing the Tories, then jabbing them again, then repairing, then punching the other guy, then complaining to an ATM machine, all in the hope that he can keep others in the ring long enough to sneak a few policies out the side door.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Greenie May let the boys have what passes for their fun while she worked through some policy ideas that Canadians might actually find interesting and useful, like employing cooperative organization to fix what ails our economy’s peripheries.

To end the first round, the three opposition parties voted unanimously in favour of recognizing our commitments under the Kyoto Protocol, leaving the Conservatives shrugging (what, me worry?) while their guy was absent from the vote.

As I conclude, yet another True Tory maverick has found a new home with the Liberals and Stephen Harper has given what some were touting as a mini-Speech From the Throne.

Hate to burst your bubble, guys, but the Speech from the Throne is the Queen’s prerogative. I know Stevie watched Dubya’s State of the Nation address with admiration, but dressing or even cross-dressing as royalty just ain’t an option for him.

While we may be okay with a very little bit of the martial arts in our politics, we really won’t tolerate wrestling in costume. Honest.