Kids get angry too!

Parents know what it’s like to feel anger. Even the sweetest children have the ability to know which buttons to push to get the biggest bang for their buck. But kids get angry too! Some children seem to have a shorter fuse and it takes very little to set them off, while others are bit more tolerant and laid back and only get angry once in a blue moon.

Often, children don’t know what to do with their anger, so it may come out in ways parents find unacceptable. There are adults too who have this problem and must learn the consequences of their actions when angry. We can help our children learn to cope with anger and identify their feelings.

There is nothing that hurts a parent more than to hear those three little words, and I’m not talking about “I love you”, but rather, “I hate you!” Kids say this to prove their point, to show you just how mad they are.

Parents have to understand that their children do not hate them at all, but are expressing their discontent at the situation, or because they did not get what they wanted. Powerful emotions in a family are normal, for children of all ages as well as adults.

Anger sends us a clear message - something is wrong. It’s a red flag. The anger in itself is not a destructive emotion, but what we do or say when we are angry can be. Acknowledge your child’s anger. Help him identify the feeling. “I can tell that you are really, really mad!”

For your child to see that you understand what he’s feeling can be a first step in working out the problem. Maybe your child needs an acceptable outlet for that anger. An activity that burns some energy might help, like running up and down the stairs, throwing a ball against the wall or punching a pillow. Some kids might be able to draw their anger with crayons or paint.

Explore the way you, as parents, deal with anger yourselves. You are your children's greatest role models and they learn by observing you. Before you “hit the roof”, learn some strategies that might work for you. Try counting to 10, taking a few deep breathes, giving yourself a time-out outside of the room or going for a walk. Some of these same ideas may work well with your child.

Anger a secondary emotion

Remember that anger is usually the secondary emotion, not the first. Before you feel anger, you might feel frustrated, worried, powerless, helpless, exhausted, threatened or pressured. Sometimes young children who are hungry and tired “ lose it” very easily for what seems like no reason at all. So think about what has triggered your child’s anger and this might help you understand his needs and calm him down.

Prevention can play a part in anger management for children and teens. If you know that your child gets upset whenever he has to leave a fun situation, like play group or the park, give her ample warning that you will have to leave soon so she has time to get used to the idea.

If your teen gets mad whenever he you tell him what to do, try giving him a list of things to do at the beginning of the week then let him accomplish the tasks on his own, within his timeframe. Whatever strategies work for you that can diffuse or prevent a situation are worth a try.

It’s usually difficult to talk or reason with someone while they are angry. Sometimes it’s better to wait and discuss the situation afterwards, once everyone has had a chance to calm down. And don’t be too shy to apologize if you have said or done anything out of anger that you regret. Encourage your children to do the same.

We all feel anger – it’s one of the many emotions that are part of life, but you will be doing your children a favour if you can support them and help them cope with their anger.

Lila Hope-Simpson is the Director of the Home and Heart Child Development Centre in Wolfville