Saying no without saying yes

The world is fraught with negativity, but those who study such things assure us the home, at least, provides the family with the springiest launching pad when it is positive and supportive.

The challenge is a responsible parent sometimes has to give bad news, and it’s hard to see how that could be positive.

I believe it is a general truth people don’t like to hear the word “no.� Speak from the “you position,� my Workplace Communications text recommends, meaning the wise will find a way to give bad news that doesn’t ruffle feathers. When you can do this with integrity, it solidifies your customer base and greases the wheels of workplace machinery.

This does not mean you should say things like, “I am positive that you cannot purchase that today.� Speaking from the “you position� would turn it into, “Yes, you can have that item by Wednesday.� The idea is to tell folks something with a “yes� in it – that’s what they want to hear!

Over the past quarter-of-a century, I have devoted much thought to working out answers that allow me to avoid saying no, without also saying yes, especially when replying to my children’s appeals. Ancient writings tell us there have always been a lot of parents who want to meet their children’s requests. “Now suppose one of you is asked by your offspring for a fish: you will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will you?� Jesus is quoted as saying in Luke 11:11.

Well, this mum doesn’t want to be totally insensitive either.

But, when your 12-year-old wants to go hang-gliding off Cape Blomidon or pierce a sensitive body part, what do you say? More to the point, what do you say to your toddler who wants those treats at the checkout, or a six-year-old who wants to ride the bike without the helmet?

When my eldest was little (he tended not to deal with consequences till they hit him on the head!), I found good, strong words to replace “no� – sharp, hot, poison, and, strongest of all, dangerous!

Removing the word “not� proved a different challenge: “don’t forget� became “remember;� “don’t go,� “stay away.� These comments are useful... until a child asks for a toy that’s not in the budget. Then, how can you say no without also saying yes? A potent “maybe� is called for.

The proper answer to such a question is to plan for the day “our ship comes in.� Besides distracting your acquisitive offspring with the wonderful story behind that phrase, this ploy comes with the bonus excursions to the mall readily become defined as shopping trips or buying trips, and all but the very youngest can make the distinction. The real payoff for ourhousehold has been my sons actually prefer shopping to buying, and have become frugalshoppers, careful of where their hard earned cash is going when they buy.

And that’s a positive thing!