Coping with grief

South West Health Child Psychologist, Dr. James Chandler gives some words of advice to parents on what they can do to help their children get through this time and what warning signs they should look for if their child may need to seek professional help.

Already in his practice, he has seen patients who are dealing with the repercussions felt from Karissa’s death.

“People who are nervous worry about something that is nervous in their culture,” says Dr. Chandler. “Your anxiety is just looking for something to worry about.”

He explains that if the child is feeling anxiety about Karissa’s death or concerned when they go outside that they too may be killed, it is important to put things into perspective.

“You have to explain what can happen and what is likely to happen is a big difference,” Dr. Chandler says. “Children are killed but it is a very unlikely thing to happen. The best thing to do is to help the child understand the difference between what is possible and what is probable.”

He explains that to do this a parent can use either outrageous or common examples like flying in a plane or driving a car…bad things do happen but the likelihood of them happening is not common.

With so much media and much of the community discussing the death of Karissa it is natural for a child to start asking questions about death as well.

“A lot of children have a lot of reasonable questions about death,” says Dr. Chandler. “Am I going to die? What happens after I die? It makes a lot of children realize that they are mortal.”

How to answer that question depends on the belief of the family says Dr. Chandler.

“Someone who is Christian will definitely answer differently than if the parents are atheist…it has to tie in to what they believe.”

Other questions a child may have are could this happen to me or are there other bad people out there? Why was that poor little girl killed and I am still alive?

“Bad things do happen,” he explains, “people get worried about safety issues justly but you have to keep it in perspective. How long has it been since the last child was murdered on the South Shore?”

Dr. Chandler explains that rarely does a normal child in a healthy environment get overwhelmed by these thoughts. Usually the child who does get overwhelmed has had to deal with trauma themselves on two or three occasions.

He explains that when a child is too anxious to go outdoors or to school that it may be time to seek extra help.

For parents of children who knew Karissa, Dr. Chandler says it is important to listen to what their child has to say.

He says parents should ensure children are not blaming themselves for her death or asking what Dr. Chandler calls magical thinking: ‘If I had talked to her before maybe this wouldn’t have happened’.

Let their child know that it is OK to be sad because somebody they knew died.

“A lot of the times parents are so nervous their kids are going to be upset they don’t even let them be upset,” he says.

Let time help heal their grief and let them talk it out if that is what they want, he explains. If the child is unwilling to talk about their feelings, he says that is fine too. Instead, they may want to express their feelings through writing.

Dr. Chandler advises parents on how much a parent should explain to their child about Karissa’s death.

“Depending on their developmental level we should be saying this is what we know; a 12-year old was murdered and they think that they will get the person who murdered her…I think that is enough,” he says.

He adds that it is important to emphasis that their child is safe and that this person is not on the loose.

He cautioned parents not to expect their child to go through a specific grief process that is sometimes outlined in books or articles on the Internet.

“If they are expecting them to go through certain obsessive little steps, denial/anger/resolution, they are going to be disappointed,” he says, explaining that parents should realize that their children will act differently for a while and should be open to that change.

If a child was close to her then it is going to take longer to heal, he explains.

“The vast majority of people who are well can deal with one trauma like this and do well,” says Dr. Chandler. “Most people are resilient enough to take bad news like this and still heal.”