Are you addicted to food?

*Sarah would eat like a bird in public then stuff herself when she got home. Once her husband was asleep she’d pull out the snacks and gorge.

At Halloween she would buy extra treats and cruise the sales for more candy afterwards. Christmas was the worst - a time when willpower goes out the window for compulsive eaters.

Sarah recounts opening a box of chocolates, sharing a few with her husband and eating most of the remaining ones. Then she bought an identical box to replace those and ended up hiding and eating most of them in a one-night binge.

“After that, I just kept going until I'd devoured all the goodies in the house. I had an almost ‘out-of-body’ experience that evening and somehow saw what I must have looked like, covertly and feverishly shoveling in all that sugar. It was a humiliating, frightening experience!” she said.

Sarah’s life was a vicious cycle of different diets, weight-loss groups, exercise, gimmicks, and resolutions to try and control her eating.

“I would get down to a reasonable weight, then something (usually stress) would overwhelm me and I'd turn back to food for comfort,” she said.

*Jennifer was grossly obese all through childhood up to adulthood. A normal eater in public, she was a binge eater in private.

“I hated myself and life in general. I turned to food as a child for comfort and I guess it became my drug of choice. By the time I was mature enough to recognize the insanity of my behaviour I couldn't stop,” she said.

When Jennifer became aware that some people purged after binging, she thought that might be a good solution and decided to give it a try. She was disappointed when she couldn't do it.

Both women recognized their problem when they learned about Overeaters Anonymous, a fellowship of individuals who, through shared experience, strength and hope, are recovering from compulsive overeating.

The organization has a list of 15 questions on their website to help people determine if they are compulsive overeaters. Jennifer answered yes to 13 of them.

One of the biggest hurdles was the denial.

“The elephant in the living room is invisible if I refuse to acknowledge him,” she said.

“The times when excess food is everywhere can be dangerous, but the real problem is myself and I could binge over anything from a broken heart to a broken plate.”

OA encourages each member to retain an open mind with regard to a power greater than him or her selves. This was an important turning point for both women.

“OA refers to ‘God as we understand him’, and it has taken me a while to realize that, for me, that doesn't have to be the image of God that I grew up with. It's very difficult to unlearn something that has been ingrained in us from childhood, but it can happen,” said

Sarah.

The concept of a higher power was a huge problem for Jennifer as well.

“I was an agnostic at best, and more often an outright atheist. If there was a God, he was vindictive. My favourite quote was: ‘As flies to wanton boys are we to the Gods; they kill us for their sport’,” she said. But after Jennifer attended a meeting in 1983 she realized that the woman who led that meeting had something she wanted desperately.

“I was amazed to find there were other people like me and that recovery was possible. I struggled for several years until I finally noticed a sentence in our literature that said, ‘You can't force yourself to believe, but you can stop doubting.’ For me, that was the moment of enlightenment,” she said.

Regular attendance at OA meetings is an important tool in battling compulsive eating tendencies.

Jennifer has rarely missed one in 21 years. For Sarah, seeing the faces and hearing the shared experiences of others who truly understand compulsive overeating really help her to stay focused and to feel the sense of belonging that everyone needs.

“If I slip, I don't feel judged or scolded, I get hugs of support and compassion, and the encouragement I need to get back up and try again. When these people tell me, ‘I know what you're going through,’ I know they really do. Every time I attend a meeting, I hear something helpful - something that I've been thinking about, or having difficulty with,” said Sarah.

Each OA group consists of people who have many years of success, as well as those who are fairly new to the program. There is a wealth of experience and information.

Sarah says she’s learned much through OA, including how to look at food in an entirely different way.

“We need to eat in order to live, but we need not make our lives revolve around food. When I feel like eating, I have to ask myself if it's time to eat - am I hungry, or do I want to eat food to make me feel better in some other way? Do I want that food to fill a void of some kind? I have found that usually, if I want to eat at times other than mealtimes, it means there is something I need to address. If I acknowledge that - perhaps I'm feeling lonely, or I've allowed myself to become over tired - then I can do what needs to be done to alleviate that feeling, rather than turning to food to soothe myself. I can pick up the phone and talk to a friend, go for a walk, have a rest, or drink a glass of water,” she said.

For Jennifer, OA has changed everything. Physically, she is now a normal weight and enjoys eating three healthy meals a day. She’s comfortable in her body. It used to be a hated burden to carry around. Emotionally, she is no longer tossed around from hope to deep despair.

“I am grounded. Spiritually, I can only say, I am reborn. I always knew I had a gaping hole inside me that I tried to stuff with food. My compulsive overeating and obesity led me to a suicide attempt as a teenager and yet, today, I can honestly say I am grateful for my addiction because, without it, I would never have found this program,” she said.

Sarah says she does not take things so personally anymore. She used to get wrapped up in negativity and trying to control things and people. Now she can step outside of her cocoon of self-pity and enjoy relationships with family, friends, and her partner just for the joy of having them in her life and of being part of theirs.

“I can be honest with people - not having to think about hiding food, of pretending to be involved in the moment when I'm actually thinking about when and how I'm going to have that next eating binge,” she said.

Sarah and Jennifer believe there are many people suffering from compulsive overeating who are not aware of their problem and the help available.

“I have no doubt that some people have never heard of us. We are a program of attraction, rather than promotion,” said Jennifer.

“Many people are looking for a diet. The OA program involves a lot more than that. Most members have tried everything else and have reached a point where they are willing to go beyond diet and exercise. As an OA member, it is my responsibility to share my experience, strength and hope to help someone else find the blessings of peace and sanity.”

Sarah hopes that if nothing else strikes a chord in what she shares that someone will recognize that they are indeed suffering in the life they're living now, trying desperately through food to achieve a certain "something" that they can't quite put their finger on.

“It's a lonely, self-defeating, self-loathing way to live. OA just might have the answer that person has been looking for,” she said.