Quadruple by-pass

Heard the term lately? Was it Jean Chrétien?

Seems to me “quadruple bypass” was in the punch line someplace else, though – someplace with a chuckle. Oh, now I remember. It goes something

like this. (May none of these adjectives or other modifiers be thought to express the opinions of the publishers!)

In the beginning, the All Powerful Being covered the earth with a plethora of fruits on trees and vines, and red, green and yellow vegetables, so Mankind could eat thereof and live long, kindly lives on the planet.

Then, using the Celestial Being’s wondrous gifts, the Evil One manufactured Dairy Food Whip and Footprint Ice Cream. And the Evil One said, “Would you like caramel sauce with that?” And the Man said, “Of course!” And the Woman said, “Pistachios, too, please!”

There was evening and there was morning, and Mankind had packed on a few pounds.

The All Knowing Being revealed the secret of yoghurt-making and rolling oats so Mankind might be restored to the configuration which most suited them. And the Evil One brought forth white flour from the wheat and granulated sugar from the cane and fused them together with heat. Mankind did eat thereof, and found it delicious. In celebration, they offered it to all their children and friends and relations,.so that all expanded in girth.

The All-Seeing Being disclosed where to find green salad, to restore Mankind to their intended configuration. The Evil One presented the salad with mandarin-poppy-seed dressing and bruchetta on the side. Everyone ate lots – of dressing and bruchetta. Mankind loosed their girdles thereafter and made larger robes.

The Timeless Being sent a messenger to announce, “Lo, not to harp, but I have set many green

plants and roots, and made known to you how to wrest oil from the olive – vigorous food for a robust people. Eat and be well.”

But the Evil One whispered how to deep-fry scallops and bake cheesecake. And grill a bacon double cheeseburger for a bednight snack. Mankind’s cholesterol increased sharply.

The sun rose and the sun set and Mankind continued to expand.

Mankind was introduced to the potato, bursting with potassium and good nutrition. The Evil One tore off the skin, ripped the starchy inside into strips, fried them in animal fats and showed

Mankind how to dress the strips with plentiful grains of salt and condiments with multiple, unpronounceable ingredients. More pounds attached themselves to Mankind.

The Evil One confounded Mankind with a magic box emitting a flickering light. Families wept and giggled before the magic box and, when all were completely in its thrall, the Evil One offered remote control, so no one would “needlessly exert him or herself.”

And Mankind suffered angina and cardiac arrest.

The Holy One sighed... and gave Mankind knowledge concerning the quadruple bypass surgery.*



*Some manuscripts show this addition: the Evil One chortled and invented the Public Heath System