Column: Oh! the unspeakable horrors of light bulbs and doorknobs

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by P.T. Healy

Have you ever stopped to think about some of the bizarre ideas that morph into reality and get thrust upon us whether we want them or not? Late one recent evening I was made aware of a dastardly conspiracy which will rock human kind to its very foundations, and I have been asked by my source to reveal this shocking plot to the rest of you. What is it you ask? It is no less than the eradication of all round objects in the world- for our own good of course.

Laugh you may well do, I laughed too until I took the time to consider the evidence. Let us begin with the incandescent light bulb, that round evil which provides both light and heat but is sucking dry the precious electricity needed to power the trillion appliances, the gazillion personal computers and the bazillion electronic toys so essential for the survival of our species; they of course burn no electricity whatsoever.

Curse those cruel, incandescent tyrants and send them into oblivion! Let us welcome the expensive, unrecyclable and incompatible screwy light bulbs, which will save nothing and leave us cold. “Ask yourself,” said my source, “who really profits here?”

And who knew how insidious and dangerous were those ancient and devilish, made to fit- the-hand, round doorknobs? How fortunate we are that they have not organized a vengeful coven refusing to turn, trapping us in or out forever. Crush them all I say. Force by law the installation of the miraculous lever handles. Forget the cost.

Oh the unspeakable horror of those cunning round stick-shift knobs on vehicles with manual transmissions. Vehicles the driver can control and manipulate to the fullest potential of both the individual and the automobile. Let us have nothing but automatics which ease the burden of paying attention to driving and allow the freedom to eat and drink, to primp and phone, and to text those vital messages, which if not relayed instantly could bring about dire personal ruin, or allow the very fabric of society itself to spiral off into anarchy.

What’s next I asked, quaking with fear? “Have a care,” I was told, “avoid apples, oranges, grapefruits and their rounded ilk. All sporting balls must be obliterated. Marbles, Jawbreakers, and more! Pity those poor souls with round heads! Why our very planet itself is round!” With that, my source crept out into the night.

I ask you: Who are the squares behind this and all the other fiendish plots, how do we stop them, and even more importantly, what would Sigmund Freud have said about them?


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