Saying 'sorry' is only the beginning

There’s a lesson that most children learn at a very young age. It’s that if you say you’re sorry, you can get away with just about anything. Let’s take a look.

Four-year-old Jason grabs the shovel from three-year-old Madison in the sandbox and pushes her down. Jason’s mother, who witnesses the event, rushes over to the sandbox and tells her son to give Madison back the shovel. Reluctantly, Jason hands it back. Then Jason’s mother, with a stern look, says, “Now what do you say?”

Jason, who has been well trained, looks down and whispers in a low voice, “Sorry.” His mother reprimands him by saying, “Madison didn’t hear you. Say it again.”

Jason mumbles, a little louder this time, but with no more conviction. “Sorry!”

Jason’s mother praises him, “very good,” then returns to the park bench, satisfied that she has taught Jason a good lesson.

In my view, the words “I’m sorry” are a good beginning, but they aren’t the end product. What does the child learn by saying he’s sorry?

He learns that he can hit, grab, push or shove and if you simply say you’re sorry afterwards, you’re off the hook. Let the words be the start of a learning process for both children involved so that they can learn to solve the conflict the next time with greater skills and resources within themselves, for both the perpetrator and the victim.

Let’s go back to Jason and Madison in the sandbox. What if, after Jason stated that he was sorry, his mother carried the lesson a little farther?

She might have said, “Now Jason, it looks like you wanted that shovel, but Madison was playing with it.” She has identified the dilemma. Jason nods. “What can you do the next time you want something that someone else is playing with?” She’s giving him the opportunity to explore alternatives to aggression. “I could ask for it?” Jason brainstorms. “Right!” reinforces his mother. “What could you say?” “Can I have it?” he ventures. “How about, ‘Can I have it when you’re finished playing with it?’” adds Jason’s mom.

Jason nods. His mother says, “So what would you say next time?” “Can I have it when you’re finished playing with it?” “That’s better,” says his mother, then she turns to Madison. “Madison, if Jason asked if he could have the shovel when you finished with it, what would you say?”

Madison smiles. “I would say okay!”

Jason’s mother continues, trying to teach her son about empathy. “Madison, how did you feel when Jason grabbed your shovel and pushed you?”

She scowls. “Felt bad!”

Then, to reassure Madison and to get Jason to commit to alternate behaviour, she asks her son, “Jason, will you push Madison again?”

Jason answers, “No,” and he gives Madison a hug. She hugs him back.

Jason has learned another method of getting what he wants. Madison isn’t scared of Jason. She knows what to expect from him now.

A positive conflict resolution has taken place for both parties. So you can see that the words, “I’m sorry” played a role here, but only to open the door to an exploration of alternatives, and to allow closure to take place. This has truly been a teachable moment for all concerned.

So don’t discourage your children from apologizing, but take it to the next level for a true learning experience.