Numbers talk

I've heard people say numbers talk. They don't really talk to me. All I have ever heard numbers say is, "No!"

It started in kindergarten. As we sorted the numerals from the letters, it soon became clear letters were friendly and numbers were not. Even misspelled words are readable, but there's no room for error with a number written with more than one digit.

These days the numbers say, "No, you can't have steak tonight," or, "No, you can't go to the concert." How about when you get to the end of the income tax form and read, "No refund - send money!" Even worse are those numbers on the scale: "No, honey, you isn't plump: You is this number FAT."

When they start telling you bad news about your day's work - "No, this cash doesn't balance" - all a person wants is for those numbers to go away . . . permanently. Every account number with your name attached to it is just another opportunity for more bad news when a hacker breaks into a supposedly secure system, or when that PIN number (which, as instructed, you did not write down) eludes you. Then the numbers say, "No, you can't have what's yours."

No, no, no! What part don't you understand? Who wouldn't resent numbers after all of that?

I am sure wealthy people are the only ones who get a warm, fuzzy feeling about numbers. The numbers in their bank accounts just keep right on saying "Yes!" to them. Who doesn't get warm and fuzzy when the answer is always in the affirmative?

Don't get me wrong: I enjoyed plain geometry in school and algebra can be a quite lovely thing. Try mixing in a few of those nay-saying and uncharitable numbers, though, and you've soon got a recipe for aggravation. My claim is the math is not the problem, the actual figures are.

It's always delightful when you realize someone has been at great pains to please you. It's plain the programmers of computer spreadsheets have done their research. These kind folks have made it possible for the numbers to say "yes" to people like me. It's true. I worked with one the other day that actually said the Y-word to me! I can tell you, it nearly changed my attitude toward those numbers.

Granted, it was a hypothetical yes. When you change the numbers (which could be done in reality by changing something in the budget) in one part of the spreadsheet, a word blinks into a cell. Sometimes that word is yes.

It may not be language, but it certainly communicates and "talks" in a potentially positive way.

Maybe it's not enough to turn back the flood of negatives and make numbers seem warm and fuzzy, but at least it's not a forgone conclusion they are going to bully me out of life's small, fine pleasures.

Talk to me, numbers. Say yes. Come on, say it!