Hey hockey moms, put away your dictionaries

When I was pregnant with my first child, they left out a very important subject in my pre-natal class.

They taught us about breastfeeding, nutrition, labour and delivery. But what they failed to mention was how overwhelming I would feel five years later standing in the sporting aisle at Canadian Tire, completely frazzled because I had to outfit my son for hockey and I didn’t know a cup from a saucer.

Funny since my pre-natal instructor Marsha turned out to be one of my fellow hockey moms. Maybe she figured these were things I needed to learn on my own.

But in an effort to help out other new hockey moms – and even dads – I am offering a collection of hockey definitions I have gathered over the years. With the Yarmouth County Minor Hockey Association having held its registration over the weekend, I figure this is timely information.

Vapour.

Dictionary definition: The gaseous state of a substance normally liquid or solid.

Hockey mom definition: (Note the change in spelling: Vapor.) The new hockey stick your son or daughter absolutely can’t live without.

Success.

Dictionary definition: The gaining of wealth or fame, a favourable outcome.

Hockey mom definition: Leaving Cleve’s Source for Sports without having dished out money for a new Vapor hockey stick.

Icing.

Dictionary definition: A semi-solid sugary mixture covering cakes.

Hockey mom definition: Ask your kid’s hockey coach to explain it to you. Heck, you just finally grasped the concept of offside.

Nickleback.

Dictionary definition: The amount of change you are owed when you use a quarter to buy candy that costs 20 cents.

Hockey mom definition: The CD your kid listens to in the dressing room before a hockey game.

Short-handed.

Dictionary definition: When a team has fewer players on the ice than the opposing team as a result of penalties.

Hockey mom definition: How you feel when your kids are on the ice at the same time in two different rinks in two different towns and your husband is out lobster fishing.

Two-man advantage.

Dictionary definition: When your team has five players on the ice and your opponent only has three.

Hockey-mom definition: How you feel when your kids are on the ice at the same time in two different rinks in two different towns and it’s storming out so your husband couldn’t go lobster fishing.

Referee.

Dictionary definition: An arbitrator, an umpire, a judge.

Hockey mom definition: What your job is when your kids are taking shots on the hockey net in the basement and they’re arguing about whose turn it is to be goalie.

Cool.

Dictionary definition: moderately cold.

Hockey mom definition: What your kid thinks you are not being when you yell out “Good job sweetie” when he scores a goal.

One-timer.

Dictionary definition: When a player passes the puck to a teammate who shoots the puck immediately, without stopping the puck first.

Hockey mom definition: The amount of times you will volunteer to car-pool five hockey players to an away game.